Pizza's Expanding? Who Cares.

Alright, let's get one thing straight: I'm so freakin' tired of hearing about the "next big thing" in fast food. Every other week, some VC-backed garbage gets hyped to the moon, promising to "disrupt" the industry with their artisanal blah blah blah. So, forgive me if I roll my eyes so hard they get stuck in the back of my skull when I hear about Pizza Guys and their "grand plans."

Pizza Guys: Hype or Legit?

Okay, so Pizza Guys just opened their 100th location, right? Big deal. Domino's probably opens 100 locations a month. But, hold up, they're expanding into Texas? That's a bold move, considering Texas already has more pizza joints than functioning brain cells. And, according to some press release, they're supposedly #2 on Yelp's Top 25 Pizza Chains in America? Yelp? Seriously? Last time I checked, Yelp was just a bunch of Karens complaining about cold coffee and demanding free appetizers. I mean, let's be real, who actually trusts Yelp reviews anymore?

But, wait a minute. A $1.2 million average unit volume? Now that's something that caught my attention. That's not chump change. That's actually pretty damn impressive. It's like saying, "Yeah, we might be another California chain, but we're raking in the dough." Still, I'm not convinced this is the pizza revolution we've all been waiting for. I mean, it's pizza, people. It's not exactly rocket science. It's dough, sauce, cheese, and toppings. How much can you really innovate?

MoCo's Moment in the Sun

Speaking of pizza, apparently Maryland is having its moment in the sun too. Five pizzerias in Montgomery County made Eater DC's "Best Pizza Places in D.C." list. Five? In Maryland? I always thought Maryland was more about crabs and Old Bay seasoning, not gourmet pizza. But hey, good for them. Five Maryland Pizzerias Make “Best Pizza Places in D.C.” List

Inferno Pizzeria Napoletana, M&N's Pizza, AP Pizza, Andy's Pizza, and Red Hound Pizza... I've never heard of any of them offcourse. Are they really that good, or is Eater DC just trying to drum up some clicks? I mean, "creative menu that blends traditional and global flavors"? Sounds like something a food blogger would write after getting a free meal. I'm guessing most of them will be out of business in like 2 years.

And "farm-to-table approach to pizza"? Give me a break. Do they expect us to believe they're growing their own tomatoes and milking their own cows in Takoma Park? Then again, maybe I'm the crazy one here. Maybe these places are actually amazing. Maybe I should drive down to Maryland and try them myself. Nah, too much effort. I'll just stick to my usual frozen pizza and complain about it online. It's easier that way.

The Real Pizza War

So, what's the deal here? Is Pizza Guys going to dethrone Domino's? Is Maryland the new pizza capital of the world? Probably not. But, hey, competition is good, right? More pizza options for everyone. Maybe. Or maybe it's just another sign that we're living in a late-stage capitalist hellscape where everything is commodified and nothing is sacred. You know what I mean? Anyway, I'm hungry.

So, What's the Real Story?

Look, I ain't buying the hype. Pizza Guys might be doing well, and Maryland might have some decent pizza joints, but let's not pretend this is anything revolutionary. It's still just pizza. And, frankly, I'm more concerned about the rising price of mozzarella than some chain's expansion plans.